SATIRE: Robots terrorize athletic and coaching staff and facilities

SATIRE: Robots terrorize athletic and coaching staff and facilities

Robert Avila

Monday, in what was reported as a freak-accident, the as-tall-as-a-10-story-building UTSA Athletic-Coordinator-Robot demolished the UTSA tennis facility, courts and the men’s tennis coach.

Onlookers could only stare in horror as the robot designed to make UTSA’s athletics successful, accidently jumped up and down over every single court, spraying asphalt and chunks of earth into the air, kicking over the adjacent tennis facility, and crushing a helpless coach under it’s heel.

When asked about the incident in a press conference, human UTSA Athletic Director Lynn Hickey repeatedly stated the impact was a complete accident caused by a malfunction in the robots circuitry, and denied that it had anything to do with the tennis team’s 2-13 record. Further reports state that while the men’s head coach survived the crushing and is expected to make a full recovery, his contract was lost beneath the rubble of the broken Earth.

The contract demolition is only the latest episode in the 100-foot-tall university robot’s employment history.

Last year the athletics department repeatedly denied reports that former head football Coach Larry Coker would be dismissed following the teams 2015 season. Witnesses however, described seeing the giant mechanical marvel blow air at Coker, causing trees to uproot and send him cascading into the ground. The Athletics department responded to the robots upheaval, stating that it was only a mistakenly placed engine cooling. In an incident in which the robot grabbed the hat off Coker’s head, throwing it thousands of feet into the sky, Hickey replied the robot was only testing the hat’s aero-dynamicity for the coach.

After Coker’s unexpected departure from UTSA in January with more than three years left on his contract, his neighbors began reporting a giant metallic figure looming outside for hours over the former Head Football Coach’s home, blocking any natural sunlight from entering his residence. A week after the incident, Coker would reach a settlement with the university.

A visibly shaken and pale-faced Coker, in an interview over his termination and acceptance of a settlement much less than the full value of his original contract, stated that he has no animosity towards the university and only wishes the best for the team.

New football head coach Frank Wilson repeatedly denied reports of him using his persuasion expertise to recruit extreme-sized freshman for protection, despite records of a lunch with 120-foot-tall Oklahoma linebacker Tornado Ally. Wilson urges fans not to take his statement earlier this year about awakening the “sleeping giant” at UTSA literally.

UTSA men’s basketball coach Brooks Thompson and his entire assistant staff were released last week, after posting the worst record in team history. The staff went politely without incident under the watchful eye of the athletic-coordinating robot.

UTSA states the athletic-coordinator-robot was designed at-cost to make UTSA athletics a larger, stronger, conference presence that will look to inspire as many athletic donations as possible. The robot, which all athletic departments in the country now use, contains no human emotion as a cold and efficient piece of machinery, will hopefully raise UTSA to more wins and increased financial success.