Padre: a flesh eating spring break

Alex Hanks

Fellow Roadrunners, chlamydia is in the air and spring break 2019 is almost in motion.

After a chaotic first semester, many of us will be sleeping, but many of you will also be heading over to the crowned jewel of spring break culture: South Padre Island. Below are a few reasons Padre may be the right spring break destination for you!

The water is absolutely breathtaking. Nothing says paradise like wading through disease infested, sweet tea colored water in 65 degree weather. If you’re still tired when school is back in session, you will have extra time to rest when you are in bed with a staph infection.

“Clayton’s” is the go to bar of the island. Nothing says Spring break like ordering overpriced and mediocre margaritas that are twice the price of other locations! You will be nice and hydrated because they are adamant about making sure your alcoholic beverages are nice and watered down! Yet if you are the designated driver, you don’t even need to drink because the loud smell of warm beer on the beach will make you never want to consume alcohol again. It’s a win-win situation for everyone.

Are you a people person? If you answered yes,  Padre will be your personal paradise. You will have the experience of a lifetime when you and 50,000 of your closest friends are colliding into each other in an attempt to have a good time, but what’s the catch? The strangers running into you also happened to be covered in sand. If you are a fan of being shoulder-checked while simultaneously getting sand blown into your eye sockets, I highly recommend you go over to the island immediately.

If you didn’t get enough scandal from the Khloe Kardashian situation this past week, South Padre Island will give you the opportunity to see people getting cheated on in real time. Don’t let your significant other stop you from finding your soulmate.

But my personal favorite is the yee haw boys. As a man, nothing is more empowering than seeing a guy named Brayden roll coal in his father’s 2017 Chevy Silverado 2500. You look at the dozen random flags hanging out the tailgate and think to yourself “that’s a true patriot.” As the truck goes by, the sound of “Boys Round Here” by Blake Shelton plays into the distance. Brayden throws his empty can of Copenhagen wintergreen chewing tobacco out of the window. You are home bruh. You are in South Padre Island.

Padre is the Eminem of spring break destinations. It gets a bit worse every year. Ironically, SPI and Eminem both involve washed up trash too. If you plan on going to Padre, please at least be a decent human being and clean up after yourself. Year after year, local news stations highlight the messes left, and visitors continue to trash the place year in and year out. I hope I was able to sell you on the hottest Spring Break destination in the modern era.