i lost it on a tuesday night.
it, i thought, being my hair tie
or one of the dozens of lip balms I misplace everyday.
it could have been the jokes you sometimes laughed at,
or the smiles i snuck every time we shared a similar thought.
i thought i might have lost the independence,
the freedom i fought uphill battles to gain.
i didn’t realize i had lost my footing on reality.
i jumped in heart first, expecting the mountain we were climbing to be stable.
my hopes, defying my logic, convinced me to tread with no caution.
you knew i was a force unrivaled when my heart was over my head
and you knew i was in no place to lose my grounding,
but you pushed and i fell on and over the heart you had no respect for.
i didn’t realize i lost the tug of war for respect that you always let me win.
you let me believe you would stay longer than you did.
i thought i lost you; you in all your inglorious cowardness.
i thought i lost the nights we drank our sorrows away.
i thought i lost the ability to feel and be stable.
i didn’t realize it was never a win-lose fight.
i didn’t realize it was never a fight at all.
i gained a life’s worth of what-ifs that i replaced with thank-gods.