Ugh – gag me with a spoon. I swear this holiday makes me nauseous. Candy, cupids and chocolate; it’s cuteness overload and enough is enough. It’s time for men to regain their dignity and demand a holiday for themselves.

I can already picture the scores of email heading my way for being heartless. Well, if the Army wanted me to have a heart, then they would have issued me one when I was enlisted.

Trust me ladies, all men despise this day, and if they say they don’t they’re trying to avoid getting hit with a shoe, not that I blame them. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the cost. First there’s the card, then the flowers, followed by dinner, dessert, champagne and some kind of gift. Ladies, men know that if they don’t put forth some effort into the “wow-factor,” then they’re going to end up in the doghouse.

“Nah uh,” will say the letters to the editor, “I’m happy just snuggling up and watching a movie…blah…blah…blah.” Yeah, right.

“I’m happy if he just makes me something from the heart.” Double yeah right. Have you seen us try to put stuff together?

You know we don’t ask for directions, read directions or even know how to spell di-reck-shuns. Half of the men on this campus don’t even want to comb their hair. We can’t make squat, it’s just not coded in our DNA (unless it’s a monster truck with really awesome lasers).

“You’re an evil, evil, little man, who doesn’t have someone to spend Valentine’s Day with,” will say the rest of the letters to the editor. Not true, but I am an evil super villain by night.

Ladies, let’s come to an accord. We’ll give you what you want if you give us what we want. We’ll even make the contract enforceable (death by shoe if you like).

We, men, want our own day; a day where we get sports stuff, gadgets and beer – lots and lots of beer.

A day where you don’t ask us about our feelings, or what we think about so-and-so, and why don’t we pay attention to your needs, etc. – just some quiet time.

The exact date is free for debate, just as long as it’s during football season.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have don my body armor and prepare the couch for the evening. Did you know Sealy makes a couch? Best money I ever spent.