The Paisano

Satire: Hail to the chief

Cade Brashear

September 13, 2017

Hail to the chief! Our great leader Donald has checked off one of the most important issues threatening our country today, the LGBT agenda trying to get their kind into our powerful military. On Aug. 25, Trump issued a presidential memorandum directing Secretary of Defense James Mattis and the acting Se...

Satire: Sheriff Arpaio, ‘America’s toughest sheriff ’

Satire: Sheriff Arpaio, ‘America’s toughest sheriff ’

Cade Brashear

August 30, 2017

President Trump has delivered on few promises spoken on the campaign trail and in his short yet glorious tenure as our Commander in Chief, but on Friday he has finally come through. President Trump has officially pardoned one of his earliest, outspoken and patriotic supporters - ex-Sheriff Joe Arpaio, clear...

UTSA opens new off-road race track

UTSA opens new off-road race track

Jade Cuevas

April 5, 2017

Get your overcompensating trucks, Ford Mustangs, precarious Jeeps and extremely-old, oh-god-please-start cars ready. UTSA has just opened a new off-roading race track along UTSA Boulevard. The news finally provides an answer as to what has been going on with the piles of dirt and construction equipment tha...

Who Run the World? Squirrels!

Graphic by Tristan Ipock

Samantha Ceballos

December 15, 2016

After scurrying around cramming for finals, the time has come to for UTSA squirrels to scamper across the stage for a picture with a diploma place holder. This year’s squirrel class at UTSA proves to be the largest group to participate in the fall commencement ceremony. The graduation squirrel populat...

Voters show up to early voting in flocks

Justice Lovin

November 2, 2016

Every day for the past week, polling places opened their doors to long lines of voters made longer by large flocks of sheep. The sheep were present in small numbers from the first days of early voting and a few even voted in the primaries; however, their numbers have grown dramatically as Election ...

Voters incapable of saying preferred candidates’ names

Casey Luna

November 2, 2016

In a recent survey conducted by VOTE, a student political awareness group, researchers sought to examine the political climate of UTSA. In the study, over 400 students were asked whom they were voting for and why. They discovered that the majority of students claimed to have found a clear candidate to...

Satire: Bookstore stocks firearm accessories

Satire: Bookstore stocks firearm accessories

Christopher Breakell

June 4, 2016

In preparation for the Campus Carry Law that goes into effect on Aug. 1, the UTSA Bookstore has begun stocking its shelves with the appropriate accessories to meet the needs of UTSA students. Among these accessories, students can find an assortment of holsters decked out in various orange and blue...

New study finds majority of Paisano newspapers used for craft projects, glassware storage and animal bedding

New study finds majority of Paisano newspapers used for craft projects, glassware storage and animal bedding

Robert Avila

April 27, 2016

A new study conducted by the Newspaper Society of America (NSA) confirms that most issues of the student run, student-provided and independently-funded newspaper the Paisano are used for impromptu craft projects, storage of glassware or fine china and as toiletry for puppies and small rodents. The...

Enthusiastic professor greatly overestimates the quality of student video projects

Enthusiastic professor greatly overestimates the quality of student video projects

Robert Avila

April 20, 2016

Bringing a popcorn machine from home and reserving a room in the UC with a large screen projector and surround sound, Professor Barry Goodteach was visibly excited for his technical writing class’ video projects last Friday. The 5-week-long video assignment was meant to showcase the talent and edi...

Microwave in JPL food court leads to deadly hallway pileup

Microwave in JPL food court leads to deadly hallway pileup

Robert Avila

April 5, 2016

Over a hundred students, faculty and visitors found themselves trapped in the hallway through the JPL food court, shortly before noon last Thursday. The pileup began when the only microwave in the food court, set up in the middle of the busiest part of the hallway, began to experience traffic after...

Satire: Campus smokers continue passive aggressive campaign against tobacco ban

Satire: Campus smokers continue passive aggressive campaign against tobacco ban

Robert Avila

April 5, 2016

UTSA’s tobacco-free policy, which went into effect in 2014, prohibits the use of tobacco on the 725-acre property. In what can only be described as an act of protest, large groups of students have begun gathering outside of the McKinney Humanities building, actively smoking and violating university ...

Giant black cloud of existential dread slowly approaching graduating students

Giant black cloud of existential dread slowly approaching graduating students

Robert Avila

March 30, 2016

As graduation approaches in May, students set to walk the stage are beginning to report sightings of a large and thunderous storm cloud hanging over the university’s Main Campus. The cloud ­­— invisible to faculty, incoming students and visitors ­­— has begun evoking fear and uncertainty i...