Satire: Bookstore stocks firearm accessories

Satire: Bookstore stocks firearm accessories

In preparation for the Campus Carry Law that goes into effect on Aug. 1, the UTSA Bookstore has begun stocking its shelves with the appropriate accessories to meet the needs of UTSA students.

Among these accessories, students can find an assortment of holsters decked out in various orange and blue designs, so they do not have to worry about fumbling around for a loaded weapon in their backpack. The most popular holster’s design depicts Rowdy thrusting his pistol into the air while standing over a longhorn bleeding out from a fresh wound.

Also on the shelves, students can find orange and blue silencers to give their guns a little UTSA spirit. The silencers will also prevent students from disturbing the class in case their gun accidently, or purposefully, goes off during a lecture.

For those students who are a little apprehensive about the new law and fear being brutally shot and murdered for saying something controversial in class: do not worry! The Bookstore has new items for you too! It has stocked up on the leanest and most fashionable bulletproof vest on the market. These are the same vests that S.W.A.T. teams across America use before raiding the hideouts of the most dangerous drug kingpins. A small breast pocket has been added to the vest so students can hold extra pencils and other supplies.

Another popular item for students living on campus is the easy assemblage metal detectors made specifically for dorm-room doorframes. With IKEA like step-by-step instructions, students can quickly install the metal detectors to ensure that the new guy they invited for a late night study session does not come with an unexpected, yet concealed, surprise.

When asked about the new gun accessories at the UTSA bookstore, junior political science major Haley Derringer replied, “I think it’s ridiculous that the bookstore is selling holsters. I’m just going to keep my glock in my purse for easy access.”

Incoming freshman Tony Montana said, “I just hope the store has something for my little friend.”

As of right now, the bookstore is only allowed to sell firearm accessories and not firearms themselves. However, the staff is confident that these regulations will soon change, adding “Come on. This is Texas.”

In preparation, the bookstore staff has begun to think of ways to customize the campus carry experience. So far, they are working on ways to inscribe bullets with students ID numbers, so if a campus shooter situation does break out, and students fire back, there will be no debating who the real hero is.

Bookstore employee and sophomore biology major Gat Burner said, “There will be so many bullets flying that without the ID inscriptions, it’ll be nearly impossible to tell who shot whom.”

Illustration by Chris Breakell, The Paisano
Illustration by Chris Breakell, The Paisano