The Paisano

Satire: Hail to the chief

Satire: Hail to the chief

Cade Brashear

September 13, 2017

Hail to the chief! Our great leader Donald has checked off one of the most important issues threatening our country today, the LGBT agenda trying to get their kind into our powerful military. On Aug. 25, Trump issued a presidential memorandum directing Secretary of Defense James Mattis and the acting Se...

Satire: Sheriff Arpaio, ‘America’s toughest sheriff ’

Satire: Sheriff Arpaio, ‘America’s toughest sheriff ’

Cade Brashear

August 30, 2017

President Trump has delivered on few promises spoken on the campaign trail and in his short yet glorious tenure as our Commander in Chief, but on Friday he has finally come through. President Trump has officially pardoned one of his earliest, outspoken and patriotic supporters - ex-Sheriff Joe Arpaio, clear...

UTSA opens new off-road race track

UTSA opens new off-road race track

Jade Cuevas

April 4, 2017

Get your overcompensating trucks, Ford Mustangs, precarious Jeeps and extremely-old, oh-god-please-start cars ready. UTSA has just opened a new off-roading race track along UTSA Boulevard. The news finally provides an answer as to what has been going on with the piles of dirt and construction equipment tha...

Voters show up to early voting in flocks

Justice Lovin

November 2, 2016

Every day for the past week, polling places opened their doors to long lines of voters made longer by large flocks of sheep. The sheep were present in small numbers from the first days of early voting and a few even voted in the primaries; however, their numbers have grown dramatically as Election ...

Voters incapable of saying preferred candidates’ names

Casey Luna

November 2, 2016

In a recent survey conducted by VOTE, a student political awareness group, researchers sought to examine the political climate of UTSA. In the study, over 400 students were asked whom they were voting for and why. They discovered that the majority of students claimed to have found a clear candidate to...

Satire: Bookstore stocks firearm accessories

Satire: Bookstore stocks firearm accessories

Christopher Breakell

June 4, 2016

In preparation for the Campus Carry Law that goes into effect on Aug. 1, the UTSA Bookstore has begun stocking its shelves with the appropriate accessories to meet the needs of UTSA students. Among these accessories, students can find an assortment of holsters decked out in various orange and blue...

Satire: Campus smokers continue passive aggressive campaign against tobacco ban

Satire: Campus smokers continue passive aggressive campaign against tobacco ban

Robert Avila

April 4, 2016

UTSA’s tobacco-free policy, which went into effect in 2014, prohibits the use of tobacco on the 725-acre property. In what can only be described as an act of protest, large groups of students have begun gathering outside of the McKinney Humanities building, actively smoking and violating university ...

Fear the beak no longer, replace Rowdy

September 22, 2015

Satire UTSA has a serious image problem. If UTSA wants to become a Tier 1 institution, it needs to consider changing its mascot to something less fowl. I’m looking at you Rowdy. In a recent study conducted at a university in England, 40 percent of people are afraid of birds. Fifty-seven...

Satire: Wrong classroom, what now?

August 26, 2015

Tuesday, Aug. 18 marked the first day of college for incoming UTSA freshmen, something to be enjoyed and celebrated as they begin their semester. For student Missy Stake, this was to be her first day as an English major. Excited, she was ready to begin studying the subject she had enjoyed her whole l...