Voters show up to early voting in flocks

Justice Lovin

Every day for the past week, polling places opened their doors to long lines of voters made longer by large flocks of sheep.

The sheep were present in small numbers from the first days of early voting and a few even voted in the primaries; however, their numbers have grown dramatically as Election Day nears.

While well-behaved for the most part — now and then, two rams will butt heads — the sheep in their orderly lines have made some voters uncomfortable.

“At first, I thought they were just bleating,” said Tom Voterman, a junior political science major, “but it turned out they were mumbling things, like ‘first woman president,’ ‘legalize it’ and ‘make America great again’. I think I even heard one chanting ‘green new deal.'”

Interestingly, exit polls show that the sheep are primarily concerned with national elections, not recognizing names like Wayne Christian or Rebecca Bell Metereau, though these candidates could have just as much of an impact. In fact, by and large, the sheep seem to be voting for the party ticket without even looking at the rest of the ballot.

Exit polls further reveal that the ignorance of the sheep in regard to local politics is balanced out by a remarkable depth of knowledge of the minutiae of the presidential campaigns.

“I was worried about the sheep,” said Shep Manard, a decidedly curly-haired undeclared junior, “but once I started talking to them, I saw the sheep knew as much as I did. They’d watched the debates, and they knew what Hillary said in her emails and what Trump said on that tape. They knew the issues and were qualified to vote.”

Em Eta, critic and sheep behavior expert, had this to say about the phenomenon: “It seems strange to most folks, but it’s pretty normal. Any time something political’s going on, it’s like the sheep get anthropomorphized or something. It might seem funny, but, really, it’s just patronizing; comparing sheep to people isn’t helpful – they have to be understood in their own context.”

The sheep have been observed at polling places in Texas and across the country. Reports of other animal species behaving strangely have also cropped up throughout the country, but voting behaviors have only been attributed to sheep for some reason. For the most part, these other animals seem only to be extremely anxious about something.