I honestly just hate you right now.

I hate that you didn’t choose me. 

I hate that it’s not me that you love more.

And I hate that I’m mature enough to realize that it’s not you I hate.

I hate the part of myself that let you in.

I hate that I’ve become reliant on your validation.

I hate that as strong of a man that I am, you’ve reduced me to a mad man.

I hate that when I want to be mad at you, I just can’t stop picturing everything I love about you.

I hate that I spent so much time looking into your eyes because now I can never look at you again as anything but my person.

I hate that I’ve lost you. 

And I hate that my better nature keeps me from hating you.

I love you.

I love your heart.

I love how compassionate you are— how understanding you are.

I love that you let me be my complete self — the good and the bad — with zero judgment.

I love how you care about others to your own detriment. 

I love how you love our God. 

I loved how you loved me.

When I looked at you, it wasn’t the external you that I saw.

I saw the woman that God formed you to be.

I saw the love that he filled you with and the servant spirit you lived out every day.

I saw the light that spilled out from you every time you met someone.

I saw the joy you had for the beauty of this world.

I saw the woman I wanted to share every aspect of myself with.

For so long I hid who I was.

I never confronted that part of myself.

I excused it because I shared a large fraction of myself with the world.

But there was a part of me that I thought had died.

I thought it was left behind with the child I never got to be.

But you awakened that within me.

You made me realize parts of myself I forgot were there.

And I don’t know how to go forward without you because I don’t know if I’m ever gonna see those parts of myself again if I’m not with you.

I’m scared. 

I’m scared because I love you and I feel like I haven’t just lost the woman I shared a bed with, but that I’m also losing my best friend.

I’m scared because I don’t know if I’ll ever get to laugh the same way again.

I’m scared because I don’t think I’m ever going to get to hold you again.

I’m scared because I don’t think I’ll ever feel your breath on my skin again or my lips on yours.

I’m scared that my heart is so broken that I won’t let another person love me.

I’m scared that my heart will be hardened, and that the pure hearted person I’ve stayed true to will be hardened.

I’m scared I’ll be so cold to the world that not only will I close myself to loving people again, but that I will close myself off to the love I have for my God.

I’m scared that the man I know myself to be won’t be me again.

I’m scared that this will be what finally stops me.

I was given a second lease on life.

And I feel like a life without being the man of love that I am will be worse than if I had just died 6 months ago.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.

But I pray that I can let go, and I pray that I won’t be too scared to expose the best parts of myself again because I don’t want to relive the anguish I’m in right now.

But that’s the beauty of life.

The give and take, the emotions, the pain, the joy, the grief and the pure good at the center of what it is to be alive.

As much as I’m conflicted right now, and as I face the uncertainty ahead, I still love you, and hopefully you still love me, and hopefully we can move on to better things. 

All love to my right person, wrong time.

Oath to God, I love you.