I’d never wish for it to end, Connor and I, but I wasn’t really sure how to handle this type of thing. We weren’t super big on public displays of our relationship. It was like our relationship was just floating in the world. It had meaning to us, but nobody else would come to see it.
As I continued through my last year of high school, I had to think about what I wanted to do with my life. Where I wanted to live, who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go to college or even if I wanted to go at all. Frankly, I felt like the idea of going to college was being shoved down our throats, and it was almost like I’d been groomed for it my whole life. But somehow, even through all the pressure, I didn’t want to go to a normal college. I wanted to go into acting, but nobody knew that. My dreams were never relevant enough to anyone. I hadn’t told Connor yet. I knew I wanted to go to a big city; I was so sick of the small-town vibe. I thought about New York since it was only about a two-hour drive away from home, and I could come back if I wanted to. To visit of course. I didn’t know it yet, but I had to get out of there.
Connor and I didn’t talk much about the future. He always told me to “live in the moment.” I was always more of a cautious person, but since him, I let go a little bit. We kissed at football games, skipped classes, stayed up late talking about nothing, went on breakfast dates (even though we hadn’t slept at all the night before) and, my personal favorite, dates at the roller rink. It was the one thing I was better than Connor at.
Though, we didn’t hang out much leading up to winter break. He had made a lot of other friends from school, which was fine. I wasn’t ever a jealous person, but that was probably because I never had anything to be possessive over — until now. Even with Connor, I didn’t feel like I had any right to be jealous, but occasionally I still was. I’d never tell him that though. I try to ignore that feeling myself.
There was this girl though, Valerie. I could never put my finger on it, but she just gave me bad vibes. I tried to ignore it over and over again, but I just couldn’t. I brought her up once to Connor, and he assured me he wouldn’t hang out with her again. He fulfilled that promise as far as I knew. I felt silly feeling that way, even a little embarrassed. I told myself that I trusted him fully after that day because I knew he cared about what I felt. I never thought I could be proved wrong. Maybe I was well in over my head.
