Satire: Football players to receive allowance

Sixty seven-year-old Head Coach Larry Coker announced after Saturday’s loss to previously winless North Texas that he would be making a big change to UTSA’s football program. Starting this week, Coker will begin giving the unpaid student athletes a $10 weekly spending allowance. The reported allowance, he states, came after a visit with his grandchildren, and is a move that will hopefully encourage players to do better in games as well as to respect him more as their elder.

“These young boys don’t get any compensation,” stated Coach Coker who has lived through nearly a dozen presidents. “They deserve to buy themselves a nice bottle of soda-pop.”

Currently UTSA football players are estimated to receive exactly $0 per hour for their contribution to the school’s team. While they do receive educational scholarships, which can possibly be taken away by injury in the very sport required to keep their scholarship, players do not receive any official payment for twenty-plus practice sessions and game hours that profit the university. The $10 allowance has excited the entire team and they are eager to make a comeback from their 1 – 7 record.

“I really want to do my best for Coach Coker,” said defensive end Ben Paide. “No other coach would do this for us,” he stated of the professed grandfather-figure.

Football players of the revenue-generating, 72,000 capacity stadium seating, $15 to $200 hundred dollar ticket pricing team, look forward to the allowance, hoping to spend it sometime between practice hours, travel time, game days and a full-schedule of classes.

The $10 allowance will only be given to starters, and only after winning games. Other football players and players from other UTSA sports teams are eligible to receive the allowance, but can only qualify by helping mow Coker’s lawn, wash the dishes, take out the trash, rake leaves in the backyard or by washing his car in the alley behind his home.

“I get paid a little bit for my trouble,” said Coker, a five-year $2.2 million contract holder. “I can share a bit with my boys.”

The allowance will not be available to other unpaid student services such as aggressive recruiting religious organizations on campus, who can continue to put in hours simply for the love of work.