Independent Student Newspaper for the University of Texas at San Antonio

The Paisano

Independent Student Newspaper for the University of Texas at San Antonio

The Paisano

Independent Student Newspaper for the University of Texas at San Antonio

The Paisano

Top fictional athletes who transcend human appearance

Bela Ross

Sure, sports may be all about the human body exceeding its expectations, but what of those athletes who transcend the human form and reality itself? Here are the top five fictional athletes born into a life they didn’t choose and decided to make the most of it, even without opposable thumbs.

  1. Chicken Joe – “Surf’s up” 

Even though Joe won the Big Z memorial competition by default, he lands on this list because of his love for the sport of surfing and life. Unlike most athletes, he wants nothing to do with fame or money, he just enjoys the sport he was born to do. He didn’t even care that he won, let alone know that he won, how humble.

  1. Max Goof – “An Extremely Goofy Movie”

Tony Hawk, who? People don’t even recognize the guy in public. X Games champion Max Goof finds his raw talents on this list because they helped his team best a cheating Bradley Uppercrust team. Not many professional teams have pulled off wins against cheaters like the Dodgers losing to the “trashcan” Astros in 2017 or the Colts losing to the “deflategate” Patriots in 2015. Goof did what the Dodgers and Colts couldn’t do — beat the team with an unfair advantage. 

  1. Buddy – “Air Bud” & Air Buddies franchise

How did the parents of the other team’s players feel when they got demolished by a dog? Air Bud is a jack-of-all-trades winning machine, which is why he finds himself a spot on this list. Ask him to swing a bat and the ball will go further than Mike Trout. Ask him to hit the ice and he will score more goals than Wayne Gretzky. Ask him to shoot the corn hole and he’ll be better than Mark Richards. There is nothing this purebred can’t do. 

  1. Lightning McQueen – Cars Franchise

Once the 2005 Piston Cup Rookie of the Year, Lightning McQueen figured out racing was a team sport and nothing stopped this maniac on wheels. He has won seven piston cups in his 12-year career, which ties him with Strip ‘The King’ Weathers for the most in the Cup’s history. What separates McQueen from Weathers, though, is his success with the small-market franchise, Rusteez.


Honorable Mentions 

Strip ‘The King’ Weathers – Cars Franchise 

Ed the Chimp – “Ed”

Cody Maverick – “Surf’s Up” 


  1. Lola Bunny – Space Jam & Space Jam: A New Legacy

Let’s face it, even with the GOAT Michael Jordan on the team, this pitiful Toon Squad would have won nothing without the skills and leadership of Lola Bunny. They even made a second movie to showcase her natural talent with some guy named LeBron James. 

Are you finding this list hard to comprehend? Well, that’s too bad. Let us know who should be added or taken away in the comments.

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About the Contributors
Noah Willoughby
Noah Willoughby, Staff Writer
Noah (he/him) is a Communications major at UTSA. Noah was born in San Antonio and has been here all of his life. He has spent a large portion of that life working with people who have disabilities throughout various jobs, but decided to come back to college to find a new path. He enjoys reading and writing and hopes to do the latter as a full-time gig.
Bela Ross
Bela Ross, Staff Writer
Bela (she/her) is a first-year psychology major and CAP student from San Antonio. Outside of school and writing or creating graphics for The Paisano, she enjoys playing guitar, watching movies and embroidering. This is her second semester at The Paisano.

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